After a lovely trip to Malaga for the Concierge UK Senior Darts competitors, it was back to oche duty in the far less glamorous trip to Basingstoke for the next gathering.

From a Mediterranean-subtropical climate to whatever Hampshire serves up in May is quite the lottery but you couldn’t wish for a more apt setting for a darts tournament than Basingstoke’s Academy Snooker and Social Club. Malaga offers sunshine, beaches and sangria. Basingstoke offers a Pound Bakery, Wetherspoons and a couple of zebra crossings.

For those fans unaware of the Concierge UK Senior Tour – go and watch Cocoon on Netflix and then imagine they are all also extremely competent darts players. Ignore the spacecraft that arrives at the end and carts a few of them off to another planet. Then you’ll get an idea of what to expect at one of their events. Although judging by some of the mileage these lads have clocked up over the years, if a spaceship did land in the car park, half of them would probably ask if it could give them a lift home.

Jesting of course. It’s open to anyone over fifty – but be aware, that doesn’t mean the standard is low. Quite the contrary. For the lads, it’s for those of that age with extremely accommodating wives. Or in Deta Hedman’s case, a partner more than happy to drive and catch up with some old friends.

So moving onto Friday night’s opener – the first event of three. And standing tall was one of the usual suspects in the winner’s circle – Simon Stevenson. The Mirror Man as he is nicknamed, and not because his former job was writing scandalous stories for a Red Top – it’s because …. actually, I am not sure why. But it may have something to do with his reflection. Or perhaps he was a former journalist. If so, my apologies. At least they aren’t worse than The Sun who seemingly enjoy reporting on people’s misery with all the regret of a starving dog discovering an unattended steak.

Simon beat the fella who plays the lead character in Crocodile Dundee – Paul Hogan. I have watched all the films, and not once did I ever see him throw. I can imagine the scene as he approached the oche and his opponent opened his case saying That’s not a dart, THIS is a dart before pulling out three pieces of tungsten the size of Ayers Rock. Probably didn’t happen but amuses me to think it might have.

Onto Saturday and Mick Dundee grabbed the title defeating Gigi Sreedharan in the final. To warm-up ahead of a busy afternoon, Hogan wrestled a few crocodiles, baffled some New Yorkers before eventually smashing through the field to make amends for 24 hours earlier.

Then in the last act on the Sabbath, it was the Mirror Man who doubled up his weekend title tally, whitewashing the legendary Deta Hedman in the showdown. The Caribbean Queen in fairness has played a total of 1,652 tournaments this year and won almost all of them. I am beginning to suspect she has discovered a way of bending the space-time continuum. Every time I check a tournament result somewhere on planet Earth, Deta is either winning it or already halfway home with the trophy.

In the semi-final, she was magnificent in bagelling Michael Huntley but may have just ran out of steam in the end.

So that’s that for another high-quality Concierge UK Seniors Tour. It’s back to their respective retirement homes for the majority where they have a few weeks of Bingo, Cocoa and repeats of Casualty to watch before heading away to Brean, Somerset at the end of the month. Another trip to the seaside awaits. Bless ’em.