The ADC Winmau World Championship North once again swings into town, with Middlesbrough Sports Village once again playing host.

That means if you live in that particular part of Teeside and fancy a game of squash this weekend down at the local leisure centre – forget it. Unless you fancy trying to smash your shuttlecock whilst avoiding flying tungsten missiles. (Sounds like a painful euphemism.)

So, I thought it would be a good idea to have a closer look at the top four on the current leaderboard and then, basically, have a little bit of fun in the process!

1st: DANNY AYRES

Not to be mistaken for the identically named speedway rider who, sadly, is now brown bread, this Danny Ayres is very much alive, kicking and having a very good year on the Challenge Tour. So much so that he’s been one of those call-up merchants on the PDC ProTour for all but one of the last eight events. He’s only reached the second round, but it’s all valuable learning experience. Of course, he’d like to be winning more. But I’d like a Ferrari, a holiday home in the Bahamas and enough money in the bank to pay someone else to write about him!

Danny is not too far from my neck of the woods, residing in Crewe – now home to Luke Humphries. So, he’s at least the second-best player in that town. For anyone unfamiliar with the place, it’s pretty much a railway spaghetti junction. If you want to travel by train to Japan, there’s a good chance you’d have to change at Crewe at some point.

2nd: LEWIS PRIDE

With a beard that would make Santa Claus think he’s taking the piss. Yes, the Yorkshireman might look like an extra from a Vikings film and equally as likely to raid your village as beat you in a game of darts. But deep down, he’s a gentle soul – he just looks as intimidating as a Kray brother with a migraine armed with nuclear weapons.

The Harrogate chucker, who appears as though he’s just returned from a North Pole expedition, has, like Danny, enjoyed a few PDC ProTour run-outs, reaching the board final in his last outing at Wigan. Not too shabby – unlike his face.

3rd: DAVID SUMNER

The first thing fans of the band The Police will ask is, “Is he a relative of Sting?” Not because they look similar or David goes around singing Message In A Bottle, baffling shoppers in Tesco. No, it’s because the Geordie frontman’s real name is Gordon Sumner. And that is where the similarity ends.

Now, unfortunately for Dave – and fortunately for everyone else around him – he’s gone and done himself an injury. Ahead of a busy couple of days on Winmau Championship duty, he decided it would be fun to go to work, then crush the thumb on his throwing hand, shattering the bone and completely ripping the nail off.

What a total knobhead! Anyway, he says he was excited to read this nonetheless. That might change once he has.

4th: DANNY LAUBY

Then, sitting in fourth place and deciding not to smash the crap out of his thumb, is USA arrow-smith Danny Lauby Jr. There is a senior, but obviously the name was passed down a generation. In fact, my brother was named after his father. He was christened “Dad”.

Hailing from Indiana – the home state of Michael Jackson – Danny will definitely want to be starting something this weekend and moving up that leaderboard. Up until the end of 2024, Lauby held a Tour Card, but when you keep ending up back at the hotel in time for lunch, your chances of keeping it grow slimmer. And that’s exactly what happened.

But make no mistake, this American slinger, on his day, is one hell of a fine thrower. Four World Cup appearances and a couple of trips to the Ally Pally aren’t won in cereal packet competitions. No amount of Frosties will get you into those. You need to be class – and Danny certainly is.

So, that’s that for my preview. As always, there is a block of four events, so I wish everyone the very best.

And for Mr Sumner, perhaps he’ll be a little less careless next time. You can’t throw with a thumb the size of Lewis Pride’s beard.