This weekend sees the launch of the much-anticipated World Cup. No, not the football one in America, where half the international squads are detained by customs for hours and a certain referee was not even allowed to enter the country. I am talking about the one taking place in Frankfurt, where forty nations send their best two arrow-smiths to compete for the prize.
And to make this tournament completely impartial, it is Germany’s turn to play host. That sentence was, of course, sarcastic. Almost very year since its inauguration – bar two occasions – it has been staged in Deutschland. If the Germans ever did release their own version of It’s Coming Home, there would be no point because their lads are already there.
I cannot be arsed going into the whole why is it always played in that country debate. It would be an article in itself. But given the Sausage Squad are yet to win the cup, home advantage is not panning out too well.
Ahead of kick-off, Welsh darts fans have been dealt a significant blow with the news that Gerwyn Price has withdrawn from the event. The Iceman has been battling a niggling back injury in recent months, one which appears to flare up more frequently than a Ryanair checkout desk dispute. That leaves Jonny Clayton partnering the next highest-ranked Cymru chucker, Nick Kenny. Worse still for Wales, the change means they surrender their fourth-seed status to Scotland.
Absolutely no disrespect to Nick Kenny, who is a very decent thrower, but it is fairly obvious who Jonny Clayton and every Welsh darts fan not related to Nick would rather have standing alongside Mr Ferret. Gezzy’s withdrawal will do little to improve Clayton’s enthusiasm for travelling to Germany either – a destination he already seems to have absolutely zero interest in visiting for Players Championship events. But he is a staunch and proud Cymru man and is hoping to seal his World Cup hat-trick.
Reigning World Champion Luke Littler has previously made it crystal clear he would rather stand on the Kop with a Bovril and Scouse Pie in hand cheering on Liverpool than play darts in Germany. Yet, teaming up once again with Luke Humphries, the teenager has decided to give it another shot. If it is booing The Nuke is trying to avoid when doing his job, then this is probably the last place he would wish to go. I fully expect the Iran national football team to get a better reception at the USA-staged FIFA World Cup than Luke does in Frankfurt.
Last year, the great Michael van Gerwen opted to skip the tournament, one in which Gian van Veen made his debut alongside Danny Noppert. Now, after enduring about a hundred dental surgeries and a divorce – which collectively, are more painful than performing the Haka on Lego – he once again dons the orange jersey.
If it does not go well for the Dutch duo, Mighty Mike might regret not simply heading to Ibiza instead, lurking around DJ booths while attempting to avoid some random muppet swinging for his face like a drunk seagull attacking chips.
Last year’s champions, Northern Ireland, remain unchanged with Josh Rock and Daryl Gurney, who I am comically dubbing Rocky & Chinwinkle. Australia, meanwhile, has undergone a refurbishment and a significantly less-bearded one at that. Damon Heta still provides the team’s facial-hair lunacy, but with Adam Leek earning a Tour Card in January, the legendary Simon Whitlock has effectively been escorted towards the darting retirement village. Expect ridiculous hats and enough face paint to decorate a nursery wall regardless. Although there is unlikely to be any gold and green-coloured beards on show from the lads Down Under this year.
As for Scotland, it is a World Cup debut for IKEA staff’s greatest nemesis, Cameron Menzies. Yes, Cammie will partner Gary Anderson this year while Peter Wright frustratingly sits it out like a drunken uncle waiting for his song to play before hitting the dance floor. In recent weeks, Menzies has also found himself a very attractive girlfriend. So apparently, he is punching pretty well in matters of love as well as darts these days.
Host nation Germany currently have Martin Schindler and Ricardo Pietreczko lined up for Frankfurt. Captain Schindi possesses one of the least imaginative nicknames in all of sport – The Wall. It is basically the equivalent of calling somebody from Egypt The Pyramid or an Italian bloke The Pizza. Still, whatever works, I guess. Ironically, no Chinese chucker has ever gone with a wall-related moniker though – after all, the one they have is massive. And it is still standing.
As for Ricardo Pietreczko, he thankfully looks to have put the condition he was struggling with massively to bed. Had it got any worse, he might theoretically have decided, “screw this, I’d love to play but I’m not at my best and do not want to let my country down”, before handing the jersey over to Niko Springer. But with £5,000 available simply for turning up and wearing a shirt, that feels about as likely as finding a bargain pint at Heathrow Airport.
Then we arrive at the darting world’s longest-running soap opera – Belgium. One week they all despise one another. The next they are embracing like emotional contestants reunited on Long Lost Family. Trying to keep up with Belgian darts relationships is like attempting to follow an entire series of Love Island after accidentally missing half the episodes. Which given it’s low-quality television viewing – is perfectly acceptable.
As far as I know, the latest news is that Mike De Decker and Dimitri Van den Bergh are on decent terms and neither particularly likes Kim Huybrechts – although that never stops them fist-bumping one another every fourteen seconds.
It will be The Dreammaker and The Real Deal representing Belgium. But deep down, many neutrals are secretly praying one withdraws so Kim gets drafted in purely for the chaos. We all enjoy a little needle, especially between team-mates, and Belgium treat awkward tension like it is an Olympic discipline. They also hold the unofficial world record for aforementioned celebratory fist bumps during a single match, a tally which comfortably runs into three figures. Honestly, even a stray 26 gets acknowledged like somebody has invented the wheel.
Meanwhile, it may have initially appeared that Mickey Mansell changed nationalities simply to acquire an Irish passport and avoid ten-hour airport queues across Europe. I have absolutely no evidence for this whatsoever, but frankly it is believable enough to print.
What it also means is that, due to The Clonoe Cyclone sitting above Keane Barry in the rankings, it is he who will partner William O’Connor in representing Ireland. Some might say that is rather unfortunate for Dynamite who, upon hearing the news, allegedly began making enquiries into the nationalities of his grandparents – perhaps hoping one was born in Mongolia.
Other countries capable of causing damage include Czechia and Sweden. Adam Gawlas is back on tour and reunites with Karel Sedlacek after a year away. Gawlas started his PDC return well, then just tailed off – although a recent Development Tour title is the perfect confidence booster. However, Adam’s throwing speed still requires serious attention if he expects anyone to enthusiastically sit through Czechia versus certain Asian pairings without occasionally checking whether the kettle has boiled. A couple of those Far Eastern boys make Mr Gawlas look like Ricky Evans on performance-enhancing illegal substances.
Sweden, meanwhile, once again proves birthplace means absolutely nothing. Jeffrey de Graaf essentially moved to Scandinavia after meeting an attractive Swedish woman, realised there was a possible World Cup route available and sensibly thought, that’ll do nicely. It is basically the darts equivalent of a poor English footballer telling the Republic of Ireland governing body to rummage through his family tree looking for a grandparent from Galway.
Jeff’s partner, Oskar Lukasiak, is, to be fair, a decent player. Slight issue though – he has only just won his first match on tour this year. Still, it is better than one of the lads from ABBA teaming up with Zlatan Ibrahimović, which would purely be for comedy value.
Now, on paper – or indeed on the oche – Poland look dangerous. Krzysztof Ratajski and Sebastian Bialecki are both in excellent nick this season. Granted, they collectively possess the charisma of an unplugged photocopier, but they are very good at the one thing that matters most – actually playing darts.
The USA were the last team to get their shit together, eventually confirming that it would be Adam Sevada and Stowe Buntz who wear the Stars & Stripes. Whilst their northern neighbours Canada field Jim Long and former British Prime Minister, David Cameron – who if performing in the UK, would probably hear the same song Kier Starmer is currently the subject off amongst darts crowds. That is until they realised it was an entirely different fella up on the oche – which could take a while.
Typically, for countries with just the one Tour Card holder, they are often saddled with a compatriot who does not exactly fill them with confidence. Something Jose de Sousa suffered annually. As Portugal’s only recognised chucker, he would discover his partner every spring before spending the next half-hour frantically Googling them like a man trying to identify a mystery parcel left on his doorstep. Then The Special One would simply shrug, get on with it and attempt to take out audacious finishes like a man with absolutely zero faith in his team-mate.
Too many other nations exist to mention individually. There will inevitably be several charismatic lads from Asia celebrating a double like they have just retained the Ryder Cup. Last year, one bloke even rocked up in a hoodie. Another wore enough earrings to make iconic EastEnders character Pat Butcher look understated. And do not even get me started on the hairstyles. Some of them resemble failed science experiments conducted in a wind tunnel.
Yet all of it adds colour, chaos and glorious unpredictability to the event. With Africa, both American continents and the Caribbean all represented, the World Cup remains one of the darting calendar’s most entertaining spectacles.
So, in summary, for the six previous winners of the World Cup, this is how they line up.
ENGLAND: Luke Littler & Luke Humphries
WALES: Jonny Clayton & Nick Kenny
NETHERLANDS: Gian van Veen & Michael van Gerwen
NORTHERN IRELAND: Josh Rock & Daryl Gurney
SCOTLAND: Gary Anderson & Cameron Menzies
AUSTRALIA: Damon Heta & Adam Leek
Whatever you do, do not miss it. There are always dramatic and funny moments. Basically, the World Cup of Darts is the darts equivalent of handing a toddler a drum kit and hoping for the best. If Kim Huybrechts was involved, it would be like the kid had consumed about 100g of sugar before bashing the crap out of the cymbals.
