Defence Darts – take a bow. And now sit back, grab a brew and have a read about what the boys made of their trip across the pond.

What happened when a few lads headed off to Vegas wasn’t like ‘Three Men And A Vet’, but more like another ‘Hangover’ sequel. And yes, Mike Tyson is involved – well, kinda and very ambiguously.

Representing the Army, Royal Navy, Royal Air Force and a veteran from our wonderful Armed Services, four men used to facing ferocious enemies jetted to the WDF World Masters in Las Vegas to go head-to-head with some enormously recognisable names from darts. Combat of this calibre on the oche for these chaps is perhaps scarier than in a warzone.

Now, frustratingly, Head Honcho of Defence Darts, Zara Durrant, was supposed to meet up with the boys at the Rio Hotel. However, being from Middlesbrough and therefore English not being her native language – when she arrived in America, little Miss Duzza was unable to communicate with customs officials as to the reason for her trip and was thus swiftly sent home. Haway. Darts Connect only for Zara then.

Pity her Uncle Glen wasn’t working in the airport. He could have acted as translator. That said, after his recent Sky comms faux pas, suggesting a player needs to put more tank in his petrol – not the best choice of wordsmith. And this was after listening to my commentary debut and saying his ‘job was safe’. Not sure about that one, pal!

Anyway, on we go. Once the lads arrived at the hotel, they were greeted by a small Venezuelan chap with two sheep. More curious than that, his introduction as Colin Scott sounded more like he was from Bolton than Caracas.

But our Defence Darts lads are kind souls. So instead of doing what any normal person would have done – smile politely and ignore the nutter – they decided instead to employ him as a kind of manager for the week, goats and all. Sounds unbelievable, doesn’t it?

Throughout the tungsten marathon, I left them in peace to focus and enjoy themselves, with just the few hundred Facebook messages of encouragement and sarcasm during the week.

Then, when they arrived home, I gave all four the same bunch of questions, so I could compare, create a nice review and generally try my best to take the piss out of them. Hence why I clearly invented Colin’s background story, albeit he was very real. Just far from how I painted him.

Given there are four of them, and four different sets of answers, I decided to adopt various colours for my Word document. Then realised my website only shows white writing. Balls. So, to save any confusion, I have put the lads’ initials before their respective answers. Got it? Cool. Let’s crack on.

Right then. Firstly, I asked each what their best memory from the trip was:

BMW (not the car manufacturer – Brett the Army bloke): Beating the world no 2 to win the group

GE: That would be five guys from different backgrounds and different dart levels arriving as strangers and leaving as friends.

DA: Would have to be the 154 checkout

DH: Getting to the last 8 in the world open taking out 132 checkout following it by a 180

Thanks. That perhaps needs some clarifying. Brett is referring to German Paul Krohne. Heart-warming stuff from Gareth, which makes me want to nip to bingo and hug random pensioners. Dan’s reply required far more information, but I’m assuming he only hit one, so go find it! And for Mr Humphries – yeah, that sounds like a great choice, mate. Fair play.

Onto worst memory…

BMW: Missing doubles to win last 16 in Cricket with Danny

GE: Not sure there is one. How can there be after such an invigorating experience?

DA: Blisters on my feet. Not really understanding Cricket rules has to be up there for all of us

DH: Being 3-1 up averaging 114 then missing 36 darts at a double

The Lossie Eagle is beginning to sound like the sort of bloke who would advertise when he is away from home, then leave the burglars a plate of Hobnobs and chocolate Penguins while they are busy stealing all his stuff.

I’m sure I speak for us all when I say we don’t really want to know much about Appleby’s unfortunate foot situation. Humphries then goes for a purely stats-based answer again. Bet he is fun at Mess parties.

Overall satisfaction, chaps:

BMW: Very satisfied

GE: Wow where to start. I came here to not get humiliated, three last 32s placings and a couple of last 64s. – including a last 32 in my first masters and winning all four group games on the way. Ecstatic is an understatement.

DA: Would have to say playing in the biggest venue I have ever played in with elite professionals was so satisfying

DH: The tournament was a very successful and well ran tournament

Brett didn’t really delve much into detail on this one. Just stuck the word ‘very’ in front to leave absolutely no room for further imagination. Edwards again sounded like Santa Claus on crack. Then the two Dans gave answers that, whilst not directly pertaining to the question, I feel obliged to mention.

Onto a biggie. And just how proud was it to represent Defence Darts?

BMW: Very proud to represent Defence Darts and the Army and myself at the World Masters

GE: Immensely proud and will continue to be so, unbelievably thankful to be given the opportunity.

DA: Absolutely honoured to be invited. I have so many people and friend requests just saying good luck from people I don’t even know. If I didn’t realise how big of an achievement that was then, I certainly do now, as players back home would love such an opportunity. So yes, an extremely proud moment.

DH: Very proud to represent Defence Darts with this opportunity to go there and do what I can do. Many more opportunities to come.

As I suspected, nothing but sheer pride being the recurring theme and bursting through in the answers. These are national heroes who make us proud every single day. They all deserved their moment in the sun. Which, given it was Vegas during the summer, was bloody plenty of that.

Now onto asking them to rate their own performances:

BMW: Played decent but still have more to give. A few mistakes made, and lessons learnt.

GE: although I know I have more to give and have now proved I can compete at this level, I have surpassed any expectations I had before I came to Vegas. I now hunger for more and, with a little backing, hope to succeed.

DA: would say slightly below par for me, although extremely proud to get out of the group of the World Masters. It is a great achievement for me.

DH: My overall performance was 10/10. I’ve proven when under pressure.

If there ever is to become a Mrs Humphries in the future, would be interesting to see if she gives him full marks in the bedroom too. God knows what Danny would have rated himself if he’d returned with silverware. Kind of bloke who congratulates himself on finding a fully roasted chicken accidentally marked at half-price in Tesco.

Shotgun was far more pragmatic. If he was the one discovering said cooked bird in the supermarket, he’d probably ask himself why he didn’t spot it sooner.

The next question gave the most emphatic answer. Biggest darts star you met?

BMW: Deta

GE: Deta Hedman

DA: Scott Mitchell, as he took the time to talk to us on numerous occasions. Special mentions to Ben Robb, who defeated me, Matt Edgar, Boris Krcmar and Haupai Puha, who were all encouraging and giving me advice.

DH: Deta Hedman

Caribbean Queen all round, which disconcertingly makes it seem like she was being pimped out. But yeah, Deta is up there with any darting superstar. Not, however, for The Big Apple, who was clearly more starstruck by the bloke in pink nicknamed Scotty Dog. Fair enough. He is also a World Champion and a big name.

Then meeting Matt Edgar – star of oche, stage and screen – well, that’s quite the claim to fame. If I was chatting to Matt and Robert De Niro walked in, I’d have asked the Goodfellas legend to please give me a minute whilst I discussed the best way to start on ton-plus checkouts with Edgar.

And finally, in case I was struggling to make this humorous – as if – I decided to ask the lads what their funniest moment of the week was. Bearing in mind, they’d hired a Venezuelan with a couple of scabby goats to be their assistant.

BMW: Funny moment of the week is seeing the look on Chris Lim’s face when me and Danny was beating them at their game of Cricket.

GE: Watching the French contingent wither and squirm during the World Cup 3rd/4th place play-off.

DA: would have to be the wife (Mrs Big Apples) running about getting water for the lads and taking pics.

DH: AI photo of me and Brett with Mike Tyson, then sending it to our social media guy who had it on for a few hours.

Yep, love Brett’s answer. Not like the Americans have a clue about cricket anyway though.

For Gareth, we finally found out he doesn’t like everyone or everything. Want to see a chink in his armour? Kick a French bloke up the arse.

Interesting that Dan refers to his missus as Mrs Big Apples. I’ve not had the pleasure of meeting Mrs Appleby yet, but when I do and get the chance to ask her how she feels about this adopted moniker, I can’t imagine she’ll be thrilled. It has innuendo all over it.

Then The Raver gave us the Mike Tyson reference. Want to make Danny giggle? Create an image on AI, throw in a famous boxer and bang – he pisses himself.

So, as I say, that’s a wrap. Sincerity time! A huge congrats to Zara for working her butt off to make this all happen. And a round of applause to the four stars of the show, who not only did Defence Darts immensely proud, but themselves too. Well done boys.

As for Colin and the goats, well, it’s a happy ending. Scotty now works as a croupier in the Rio Hotel, where they have bent the rules somewhat and given his pair of goats work in the kitchen as quality control operators. ‘It’s A Kind Of Cannibalism’ isn’t quite the song Queen would have penned for this scenario.