On a gorgeous mid-summer’s day in central London, many of the PDC’s elite proved undoubtedly that, whilst they may be excellent exponents of tungsten, they can’t sing for shit.
Once again, star names took to the Great Oak Stage in Hyde Park, hoping England’s unreliable July weather was kind. Fortunately, it was. But as for the vocal talent, not so much.
Not sure whose idea it was to mic the players up, but I am sure they will have a P45 winging its way to their home quicker than you can say “fired”.
Four huge names from darts took part. Former World Champ Luke Humphries, Fallon Sherrock, who is Queen of a palace not too far away, and major winners Nathan Aspinall and Stephen Bunting.
Joining them, well, I think they are supposed to be labelled as celebrities but, in my opinion, Sky Sports presenter Emma Paton was the only one befitting of that title.
Mickey Miller from EastEnders, played by Joe Swash, who is more famous for a fortnight in an Aussie jungle and being married to Stacey Solomon. Not great if your appearance in one of Britain’s biggest soap operas is ranked lower than eating kangaroo bollocks and getting wed to someone who, quite frankly, has a worse singing voice than the players.
Then there was some girl called AJ Odudu who, I’ll be honest, I had to Google. Turns out she presents a few reality TV spin-off shows. No wonder I’d never heard of her. But, in comparison to the last celebrity, she is Taylor Swift.
Clearly short on numbers, the PDC unearthed a YouTuber called Behzinga. Back to Google I went to discover that wasn’t his real name – surely parents aren’t that cruel. In fact, it’s Ethan Leigh Payne.
Even if I walked past him in Tesco and he was wearing a T-shirt saying, “Oi you. I am Behzinga”, I’d still be more interested in the price of the carrots this week.
I mean, c’mon PDC. You are in central London! Surely you could have done better than find three people who celeb parties would have to create another alphabet to find a list worthy of sticking these on.
Then, during the action, something happened that made me want to see more of those special guests. As mentioned, they mic’d up the players. Not sure whose smart idea that was because none of them can sing.
Not only did Nathan Aspinall give a rendition of Mr Brightside that my neighbour’s cat would have found offensive, but he didn’t know the words. Worse than that, he admitted it.
After walking on to that banger for years, you’d have thought he’d have remembered more than “Jealousy…”. Seems not.
Stephen Bunting actually fancies himself as a bit of a karaoke demon. Having shared many a car journey with the lovable Scouser, let me make it clear he isn’t. His only saving grace was he wasn’t as bad as The Asp. Merely knowing the lyrics probably won him that battle.
Like I texted him after I heard Titanium murdered, “Pick a key – ideally one you can reach – and stick to it.” I am yet to hear back.
Anyway, Humphries and Paton defeated Sherrock and Swash 2-0 in legs to book their spot in the final. Have to admit, I did like the former’s choice of “Football’s Coming Home” to get the crowd on side. However, with how cosmopolitan London has become, it’s doubtful there were that many people who knew the words. All it probably did was confuse the crap out of those attending a darts event, wondering why a football anthem was blaring out.
Still, every year at Ally Pally, fans sing about Yaya Touré and his brother Kolo. Even more bizarre.
Anyway, where were we? Oh yes. The second semi-final. Aspinall and Behzinga-face defeated Bunting and AJ Odudu. Great for them. Not so much for the Hyde Park faithful, who must once again watch Nathan NOT singing Mr Brightside. Oh, for anyone arsed, the result was 2-1.
At this point, may I just add that the microphones were for the benefit of all eight players, certainly not for those in attendance. But when they weren’t singing (if you can call it that), we were treated to running commentary. Unique, I guess, which, to be fair, is something I embrace, so I won’t knock it.
Onto the final on a day where ginger people in the crowd were slowly turning into puddles of water. Then the ones surviving the heat began to glow such a bright shade of red that traffic was stopping just in front of their faces.
The stunning Emma Paton pinned tops to put herself and Cool Hand one up. The Asp and Swash equalised to set up a last-leg decider.
But in the end, Humphries and the Sky Sports presenter won the day, with legendary ref Russ Bray – who I can’t believe they flew in from Asia especially for this – announcing the winners.
Congrats to them on a day where the weather and darts were the true winners.
As for the arrow-smiths’ singing abilities? Well, I think everyone learnt a valuable lesson there. If they absolutely must be mic’d up, give Nathan the lyrics, please.
