It was a busy weekend for a quartet of the Defence Darts dudes as they headed down to Milton Keynes to have a crack on the PDC Challenge Tour and test their skills navigating what seems to be an endless corridor of roundabouts.
Whether the road system in this Buckinghamshire town was designed by the same people who built Hampton Court Maze, or they have a circle fetish, is unknown. A few here and there is acceptable – 1,654 of the buggers certainly isn’t.
Anyway, all four eventually arrived safely at ArenaMK, albeit feeling particularly dizzy.
Let’s assess their fortunes one by one.
DANNY HUMPHRIES
Strangely, the vet decided to take the trip on horseback. Not because his car was in for an MOT – but in his line of work, after sticking another lampshade around a baffled dog’s head and giving mouth-to-mouth to a family of hamsters, Danny decided to test ride his latest patient. A four-year-old gelding named Brian, fresh from castration and in desperate need of a ‘run out’.
After realising you can park your horse for free in Milton Keynes – assuming you clean up after the beast – The Raver was already in good spirits as he kicked off his campaign Friday morning.
Half an hour or so in, he wasn’t as happy, edged by Jack Male in his opener. Bummer. Later that day, the draw certainly wasn’t kind to Danny – paired against recent MODUS Super Series champ Ashley Coleman. Known as The Prince of Darkness, he switched off Humphries’ lights early on too – triumphing 5-2.
Things could only get better for Dan on Saturday. And he finally got a win with a feather in his cap the size of the horse droppings he would later have to clear up. A 5-1 victory over none other than former Lakeside Champ Steve Beaton, with a 92.35 average to boot. Sexy. But he couldn’t match that performance in his next match and went out to Andy Cass.
It was a heavy defeat, so out of respect to Danny, in this race to five, we won’t mention the result. But the vet got just one leg! Things went better for DH later that day, with a run to the last 32. That began with an excellent 5-2 win over fellow Defence Darter Jasper Scarrott, then a couple of whitewashes. Firstly, against Serge Brisset, who even sounds as French as he is, and Leo Howard, before that pesky Andy Cass went and dumped out Dan again. Starting not to like Mr Cass!
Sunday, though, was Humphries’ crowning moment. No, he didn’t win the thing, but he did go close to a quarter-final. Another legend taken care of in former PDC World finalist Kevin Painter, whose shoes are so well polished he could easily have that Armed Forces box ticked. After seeing off Harry Lawrence, Andrew Callary and the talented young Jenson Walker, who has now managed to grow facial hair – he lost out to Andy bloody Cass!
I am just kidding – it wasn’t Andy, it was a bloke named Geoffrey Murray. If you are a fan of mints, you’d have to suck that one up again. All in all, an excellent trek for Danny, which got better as the weekend went on. Which is more than can be said for his horse Brian, who broke down on the way home. I don’t mean he received some devastating family news – no. He lost a hoof and Humphries had to call the equine version of the AA to come and sort it. Strange end to the weekend, I guess.
JASPER SCARROTT
As a writer, you dream of players with these kinds of names! Plenty of value in this one. Then imagine my disappointment when I discovered his real name is Wayne. Seemingly, having the surname of Scarrott was something his mates didn’t miss a trick with.
Anyway, I still have the orange vegetable bit to fall back on if needed, as I am quite sure he’s done with ageing Brummie comedian jokes at this point.
For Jasp, he only managed to get off first base once all weekend. And that was in the opening event of the meeting, where he defeated Liam Thewlis and Jenson Walker before Steve Beaton ended that run. After that, Stayin’ Alive in round one was something Scarrott kinda fell on his arse with, unfortunately.
Twice consecutively, Ron Meulenkamp did the damage. Nicknamed The Bomb, there is a certain irony in a member of the Armed Forces being wiped out by that particular Dutchman.
As we know, Danny Humphries was responsible for the Captain’s demise on Saturday afternoon. Then a guy named Gary Jackson ensured Jasper could get off early on the Sabbath. Still, at least Scarrott can boast a lovely shirt collection – even if he did only get to wear them all briefly.
CHRIS HARVEY
The Operation Bullseye II finalist fared okay. A couple of last-64 runs being the fruit of his adventures. It’s a tough school on the Challenge Tour. These are players who are either on the fringe of the PDC Pro Tour, been there and bought the T-shirt – or trying to fulfil some midlife crisis cos their missus paid for their Q-School as a Christmas present and wanted to get rid of their fella for a good few weekends a year. The mind boggles.
Chris is an interesting character to look at. When I looked at his pic on the Defence Darts Forum post, my initial reaction was that he resembled Peter Kay’s character in Max & Paddy. “How Dare You!” Black beard and bouncer-like crew cut.
Then, on further inspection, I noted he either had – or still has – a full Viking plaited beard, which he must have been growing since school. Whether he is a huge fan of The Last Kingdom or has designed an ingenious back-up plan in case he loses his skipping rope is unknown. But I could only admire its magnificence. There’s a place waiting for you in Valhalla, my friend, for sure!
Anyway, back to the darts and, as mentioned, a couple of decent jaunts and some good wins. Without digging up flagstones, Harvey eventually fell in his best runs to fellow beard enthusiast and friend of Bang On Target, Chris Wickenden – after which a very boring facial hair conversation probably ensued – and German Daniel Klose, who I have to say was probably Man of the Match over the weekend. So no shame in those.
And just like Danny Humphries, Harvey had chosen a different mode of transport. I’ll tell you what, though, you try getting a longboat out of Milton Keynes. I bet Chris is still there – probably stuck on a roundabout.
TONY FLEMING
Then, last but by no means least, Army Veteran Tony Fleming, who is now an Amazon engineer – whatever one of them is. And he soon discovered the PDC Challenge Tour is quite the jungle too, but he did manage to count experienced players, the likes of Daryl Hunt and Adam Smith-Neale, in the opening two days.
On the Sunday, Fleming enjoyed a jog to the last 32 before being halted by James Howard Hughes. Still, great effort.
All in all, some excellent displays from the boys.
Right, I am off to find out exactly what an Amazon Engineer is and whether it’s someone I can blame for my recent parcel delivery being unceremoniously booted over the garden fence. Probably not. It will be someone who fixed fighter jets in a rainforest and I was miles out.
