Following a highly successful few years of Defence Darts, head honcho and woman who has clocked up more miles than Lewis Hamilton this year, Zara Durrant, has released a fantastic and tantalising Events Schedule for the Armed Forces arrow-smiths to get their teeth into.
Personally, I don’t know how she does it. Perhaps she either has caffeine intravenously pumped into her or a really good and cheap crack dealer, but the girl doesn’t stop. And this is on top of being a full-time mum and making sure everyone knows what jet fighter they are supposed to be in.
Right, let’s have a look and, of course, have a bit of fun. I will tell you at the end exactly what they are – although they all scream obvious. Yet that won’t stop me taking the piss a little!
OPERATION ROYAL RUMBLE
Basically, all the players congregate in the back room and are all secretly assigned numbers. Then, one by one, each will make their way to the stage armed with a steel chair and try to knock the crap out of the other before chucking them over the top of a carefully assembled roped section.
In truth, it’s like you see in WWE. Winner stays on. He or she doesn’t know who they are playing next. The entrance music hits and they discover their opponent at the exact moment the rest of us do. Job’s a good ‘un. Great idea. Why? Because it was mine!
OPERATION BIG FISH
Each player is given a large rod, a bucket of wiggly things and pointed towards a nearby lake. The person who catches the biggest fish is declared the winner. Or alternatively, it’s just a cool darts-themed reference to what begins as a round-robin before becoming a knockout tournament.
By knockout, that doesn’t mean getting slapped about the face with a salmon until unconscious. It means losing the match.
OPERATION SHANGHAI
First one to the Chinese city wins. Few rules. You are not allowed to spend more than £5 on travel or speak Mandarin at any point. Given most squaddies – as well as Zara – struggle with English, that shouldn’t be an issue.
Or, more likely, the format has something to do with hitting a single, double and treble of specific numbers. Personally, the trip to Asia thing sounds much better.
OPERATION BULLSEYE
We already know all about this, so I will move on swiftly.
OPERATION DOUBLE TROUBLE
All about who can still stand after the most large shots of various spirits. You are not allowed to switch to water or apple juice – we will know. Nor are you permitted to throw up all over spectators – especially officers or high-ranking members of the Armed Forces. That will not only get you disqualified from the event, but also dishonourably discharged and fired in disgrace. Double whammy.
Real format: Simple. Double in, double out. The thing you see at the PDC World Grand Prix each year.
OPERATION CHECKOUT
This is for vets. And not those who stick a rather embarrassing collar on your dog, who is then forced to spend the next week on walks looking like a complete knobhead who can’t be trusted not to scratch his own ears. Balls, apparently, are still fine.
No, it is for Veterans only. And that’s because when you get to a certain age and either lose your jet fighter keys, sink a couple of ships or shoot someone in the arse with your gun, you are put out to pasture and effectively – checkout!
OPERATION 180
The daddy of them all. The Defence Darts Championship which, whilst maximums certainly help, still requires you to hit a double at the end of each leg too. Then the person in the final who wins the most of those legs gets a nice big trophy, bragging rights and gets to bang Bully. Not optional.
OK, that’s that. A few more to come when Zara gets back from a well-earned rest!
